Nothing Found

I got up at 5:40 this morning.

I had been mostly awake for about an hour but drifting in and out of dream state. I remember dreaming about a cat, which was initially a black and white cat but for whatever reason it later became a short haired ginger cat.

Almost tiger like.
But not.

And I recall being in awe that that cat loved me, would come when I called it and would lay beside me. Unlike any other cat I have ever encountered.

And as I woke, speaking to Dan (my partner) about my dream, it came to me that when I did my last Shamanic Journeying Meditation to find my animal spirit guides, during the meditation I recall feeling the presence of a cat, a ginger cat, but I couldn’t see that cat.

I began to question if I was simply making it up and then I caught myself and simply chose to accept that just because I couldn’t actually see the cat doesn’t mean that it wasn’t there.

That it was my spirit animal.
That it was my spirit guide.

And as I was relaying my dream to Dan… It came to me.
An age old memory.

The reason I decided long ago that I didn’t like cats – which I had loved very much as a young child.

That reason was because when I was about 10 or 12 years old, I had a brand new baby kitten, born to one of our mumma cats. A tiny and ridiculously cute ginger kitten who used to follow me everywhere.

Oh how I loved that kitten…

And then… One day, when I was climbing down from my bedroom cupboard… I stepped down right on top of that gorgeous little kitten.

I broke it’s little back.
Almost folding it in half.
Killing it.
But not instantly.


I was so fucking upset.
I was so fucking sad.
I was so fucking angry at myself.

I felt like a murderous monster.
I felt so cruel, so hurtful, so nasty.


And I remember my mother not being less than… Being not at all compassionate.

I remember her simply throwing that poor little baby into the rubbish bin.
To die slowly.

Like it was nothing.
Like it was meaningless.
Like its life had not mattered at all.

It was at that point, at that exact time, when I decided that I must harden my heart.
To protect myself from the emotional pain I was feeling.
To ensure that I’d not feel that pain again. E.V.E.R!

Growing up, we were expected not to feel any emotions, to be hard, to care less – and this was just a cat after all.

Nothing more.
Nothing important.

Just an animal whose life didn’t matter squat.

But the thing is IT’S LIFE DID MATTER.

That little baby’s life mattered greatly.
To me.


I wasn’t allowed to say that.
I wasn’t allowed to believe that.
I wasn’t allowed to feel that.
I wasn’t allowed to demonstrate that.
I wasn’t allowed to express that.


So I didn’t allow myself to feel, to believe.

I didn’t allow myself to express my emotions, my pain, my angst, my hurt, my horror at what I’d done.

At what my mother had done.
Of what we had done to that precious little kitten. To that helpless baby being.

I had to learn how to suppress it all.
Everything I was feeling, thinking, believing.
Everything that had happened.

I had to pretend as if nothing has happened.
I had to force myself to forget about that poor little kitten.



Although I could do that–for the most part (by that point in my life, I’d become somewhat of an expert at suppressing my emotions, my feelings, denying what I believed, what I saw, what I’d experienced had ever happened, that it was anything but NORMAL.

That memory oh so fucking vivid, raw, painful and real, of me crushing that little being’s spinal cord and all but breaking it in two has stayed with me ever since.

So this morning when I woke and I had the realisation that THE ginger cat in my dream, THE ginger cat in my Shamanic Journeying meditation, and THAT little baby ginger cat that I killed are one and the same…

That the little cat whose life I took when he was just 6 weeks old…

Is likely my spirit animal, one of my spirit guides…

I am not upset.
I am not hurting.
I am not angry.
I am not beating up on myself.


It all makes so much sense to me, in a round-a-bout kinda way.

I can’t help but feel that that is how it was all meant to go.

That this is how this THING was meant to work out.
That this was all preordained.
That ALL. OF. IT. is tied.
That it is ALL a part of something greater.
That THAT^ was decided long, long ago.
That this was the work of a force much more wise and powerful and all-knowing.
That the Universe had worked it’s magic, even if it is in a somewhat twisted kinda way.

And right now, at the time of writing this…

I feel a certain kind of calm and awareness and a strange kind of knowing come over me… Flowing through me.

I am feeling a certain kind of ISness washing over me.
Filling me.
Wrapping itself around me.


I am feeling Such. A. Deep. Eternal. Love.
A love like I have never felt before.

And so I accept it.
For the ISness that it is.

And I will embrace it.
I already have.
I already am.
It’s already done.

And so it is.

That is how it IS meant to be.
This is how it IS meant to be.

What now?
What does it all mean?
Why did this tiger/cat come to me?
What comes next?

Well, I guess it’s time to go into another Shamanic Journeying Meditation to find out.
To discover what this all means.

For me.
And for you.
For all of us.

I’ll see you on the other side.

Remember… You Have One Life.  Hit The Fuckin’ Button!

Love, Truth & Badassery,











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